What I’m about to tell you is a totally ridiculous, 1000% true story from George Washington High School. It's so crazy that if I wasn’t there to witness half the events myself, I wouldn’t have believed it either. 

BREAKING NEWS: JUNIOR AT GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH CHARGED WITH POISONING SCHOOL LEMONADE WITH E.COLI 

After careful investigation, the police have found video evidence that Sam Lenard, a junior at Washington High School intentionally infected the school’s cafeteria with E.Coli by contaminating the cafeteria lemonade supply… 

Ok, ok let's back up for a second: 

Here’s what you need to know about GWHS. 

George Washington High School is like a suuuper private private school for the well-off, rich, and ultra-rich. I only got in because my mom knew a friend that knew a friend that knew the principal’s wife. But now that I’m in, I get to enjoy everything GWHS has. We have a horse stable on our campus that houses Thoroughbreds worth more than most people’s entire lives. 

But anyways, Sam Lenard pissed off the wrong person as soon as he transferred here his junior year. The beginning of every school year, StuCo, short for student council, runs a special welcoming event: every new student must eat a lime wedge. I don’t really know why we do it. It’s some sort of dumb tradition that aims to teach all these privileged teenagers that life can be sour or something?? Personally, I think it’s kind of silly since we just bribe the scholarship students to eat ours LOL. 

Last year, Alina Livingston ran forStuCo President. 3 things you need to know about Alina: 

1) She’s the QUEEN of George Washington High 

2) She’s pretty 

3) Her family is so rich that they could bribe the president. 

If other students could shower with money, Alina Livingston could create a hurricane just with her weekly allowance. Rich x Pretty = Power 

Anyways Sam, the idiot scholarship student who literally knew nothing, refused to eat the lime Alina handed him the next day. He said that it was cruel, and unusual, and demeaning, or whatever. As usual, Alina offered to pay him $1000 to eat the lime outright, but he said he had pride. Or whatever. But all it got him was a slap to the face (from Alina if you haven’t guessed) He had basically signed his own death certificate. 

So then Alina switched gears: she said Sam was harassing her. Obviously, everyone believed Alina, since, well, she’s Alina. The secret ingredients to Truth = Money x power. Duh. Honestly tho, no one was surprised that Sam ended up getting in trouble for disrespecting the school’s tradition and “harassing” a fellow student. 

After that incident, Alina’s goons stuffed a whole lime down Sam’s throat. He became a walking punching bag, and rightfully so. Sam got what he deserved. 

Everyone knew about the bullying. But no one did anything about it.

Teachers knew too. Unlike public school teachers, they actually are paid enough. They’re also paid enough to ignore whatever the StuCo does (or should I say Alina)? 

BREAKING NEWS: THE LIVINGSTON HOSPITAL TREATS STUDENTS OF GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH SCHOOL HOSPITALIZED DUE TO E.COLI OUTBREAK FREE OF CHARGE 

According to Mr. William Livingston, head of the Livingston foundation, the community is saddened and appalled at the recent event at George Washington High School. Mr. Livingston’s daughter was among the students hospitalized for E. Coli. Mr. Livingston expressed concern for all families suffering due to the situation, and he has graciously decided that the Livingston 

Hospital will treat all George Washington High School students for free. Mr. Livingston would also like to add that Alina Livingston, his daughter, was the one who suggested the idea. Mr. Livingston, along with many parents, was disheartened after learning Sam Lenard, a scholarship student at the high school maliciously poisoned his fellow students. Parents are calling for further investigation and immediate expulsion of Sam Lenard… 

This is what happens when we let people like Sam Lenard into our school. He freaking poisoned our school. People like Sam shouldn’t even know Alina’s name, let alone poison her and send her to the hospital. 

It's actually sooo stupid of him to fight back against Alina and the StuCo. It’s like he wanted to go to juvie or something. 

But where did Sam get E.Coli? My guess is his sink at his small, filthy apartment lmao. Rumor has it… Alina was the one that set everything up. Apparently, Alina got another student, Henry, to pretend to be nice to Sam. Apparently Alina told Henry to tell Sam to put e.coli in the lemonade?? And like a fool, Sam did it. After that, some of the students drank the lemonade and ended up with E.Coli (Alina didn’t tho - she just pretended to be sick. I mean her dad owns the hospital anyways.) 

Honestly, I believe it. If anyone could get away with mass murder, it would be Alina. We’re just her little chess pieces. 

Personally, I think it’s funny watching people try so hard when their destiny is written in the stars. 

BREAKING NEWS: ALINA LIVINGSTON NAMED PRESIDENTIAL SCHOLAR FOR HER NON-PROFIT FIGHTING AGAINST E.COLI, RAISED $5 MILLION TO PROVIDE CLEAN WATER FOR IMPOVERISHED AREAS. 

We’re thrilled to announce that this year our female Presidential Scholar from Washington is Alina Livingston. 

As a community, we are so proud of Alina Livingston. During the school year, Alina suffered from E.Coli after another student intentionally infected the school. This same student had previously harassed Alina.

Despite these challenges, Alina achieved stellar grades, acted as the student council president, and even started a non-profit organization to advocate for clean water and prevent other people from getting E. Coli 

Alina and her organization have successfully raised and donated $5 million. She aims to continue her work as she studies biomedical engineering at Harvard University next fall… 

See, life can never be sour for Alina Livingston. Remember, not all men are born equal.